i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
