I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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