Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i love accidental penises.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
