I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Randomize
