I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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