I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
My bed smells like the plague
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
