i don't plan on having that self control this summer
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
