she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
