oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
