Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I did not marry a roomba.
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