you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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