i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
