did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
