it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
