I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
