I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
