life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
This baby is an asshole
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He has the fingertips of a God
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
