My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
