Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
