part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Randomize
