Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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