Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
