sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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