life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
