My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
