I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
