My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
