you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
