I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
