mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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