i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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