When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
