I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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