So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
