Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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