and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
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