You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
