even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
