Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
