i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
