Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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