Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
