You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
