I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
