My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
