John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
