Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
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