can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
