I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
