Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Randomize
