One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
