My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
